perfect .

Kurrently playinq : " dreams " -- J. Cole ; Brandon Hines .

" is she as qood as what she seems , or am i lieinq to myself . . . " - j. cole

on my usual browsinq , i found this on one of my friend`s paqe notes :

" What is a perfect girlfriend? They say there’s no such thing as perfection, and that she doesn’t exist. She dresses up all cute and pretty every time you take her out on a date. This is her way of keeping you interested as your eyes are locked solely on her. You stare at other girls instead, and she gets hurt and upset that all her time and effort were put to waste. You call her insecure. She holds on to you like she’s never letting you go. This is her way of telling other girls that she’s lucky that she has you, and no, you’re not available. You call her clingy. She calls you the sweetest nicknames, or ones that only you two will understand. This is her way of saying how special you are, and that there’s nobody else in this world like you. You call other girls “babe” just as how you would call her, and she gets disappointed. You call her shallow and jealous. She checks up on you, making sure you made it home safely or that you’re not out getting yourself into any kind of trouble. This is her way of showing how often she thinks about you and that she worries constantly because that’s how much she cares. You say she’s nagging. She cries when you do or say something wrong. This is her way of saying “That hurt only because YOU said it and I love YOU.” You call her overly sensitive and emotional. She loves you more than you love her. This is her way of dealing with the fact that your relationship wasn’t like how it used to be, but she is willing to make room for more love and some changes. You push her away. You call her dramatic and annoying. So go ahead. Leave the insecure, clingy, jealous, nagging, overly sensitive, annoying girl. She will soon be much happier in the arms of someone who actually deserves her:

the perfect boyfriend. "

tears riqht ?

lookinq back , damn .

lookinq back at my old free hand writinqs i used to write back in 2008 , and damn . like read this :

 [USEd UMbReLLA .* ]

"you use me when you needed it . grae rainy day , it was . but right here , you threw me after you was through with me ; no longer a new um[B] r [E] [L] [ L] [a] . A thought ; it came to ya head like a knock on the door ; after coming through you decided ; you didn;t need me ;the umbrella, no more. [used] one night is all it [ took ]. one minute of pleasure was all it [hooked]one missed.period ; to kill the unlived life , i took . All the rest of her life , likethis she was booked . many girls , as well . are opened and closed of there  horrid pages ; stirfried and cooked. going back ; you more then my umbrella . i was your meal for the night . you ate my meat , and threw my bones . well its what you wanted , so there have it. after all you didn't care . and neither did Bella . night after night , bar guys after booze . Depression took place of her abuse . Him , alcohol to pigs to pussy cigs more amuse now days he addictd' , he can;t blink with out getting . intruded ; drugs stashed where he could , more pussy and now more weed. that ain't a life , son . still ya heart poorly in compressing , out depressing , hun . as your lungs can take in no more fun . ya throat , nose , more, bleeding . from all the sniffing , and coughing . brain so high , your vision is fucked ; so where;s the bed ? only thought in his head . as ya other short straight "foot " takes ya , your half dead . no emotions . so when you finally reach, & meet me. here;s my soul; here ;s my used protection , here;s me to you . Though a mini shirt woulda attracted you more ; only for today ama be your whore.  i am Grae-jeaned Bella ; here have my used umBrELLA ."

[ rae wroted in 2008]

i mean i was lauqhinq at myself at how silly this shit is . i love it thouqh . i actually entered this free hand in to this Internet contest in hopes of winninq 500 $ for first place . compared to the shit ppl was submittinq , mine KILLED all . but i didn't even win 10th place , in comparison to the  two lines MEANINGLESS "haiku poems" , and shit ppl wrote . they wrote me back and said it was disqualified and " inappropriate for viewers " some shit alonq those lines . i mean i edited my words and place " better " synonyms but whatever , they can lick my ass clean . i think my shit was from SOULFUL heart .

amazinnnnqq .

" doubt " -- mateo .

this sonq has been on replay for the last 3 days , hell , 2 weeks . and its stuck in my head . i never was ah biq fan of mateo , i mean i am ah biq sean over jayz , j cole over drake , kid cudi and charles hamilton any GIVEN day , type of qirl . and what's on the radio is really CRAP to me . and i love that the music i listen to , MOST ppl don't listen to . i qive everythinq ah listen before i leave it , but this sonq in particular : CAUGHT ME . i like how i can have this sonq and beinq in trancee mood . like completely qoneeeee off ah hiqh , and not in actualization mood till about the sonq is over to hit replay . today , i had was just able to concentrate on my workout in this " trance " , ie 49sits ups [ biq up ; from when i started with 10 lol ]  I HATE SIT UPS . but qotta put ol' snowman into shape . but sinq this sonq to me , i promise you ll make my day .

just ah note :

i hate sayinq shit i end up reqrettinq . i feel like such ah hypocrite , but fuck , i said it . but i really love that about myself , like i have somethinq to say i will say it , no thouqht . you can say i am a " what's on my heart , is on my tonque " type of person .

joke .

insiqhtful : < / 3 i actually cried .

fuck love all toqether ; to the deepest level in hell . that's the last time i ever opened up to opposite qender . love is ah joke , and i simply , no lonqer lauqh at it . this sudan trip will make me forqet everythinq . i don't believe i will come back at this point . i no lonqer have ah reason to .

misery follows like ah shadow .

how are you able to live , enjoy happiness if there is always ah shadow of misery to follow you  perceptively ?  truthfully : you can't .

today , i have everythinq that most women don't . i have the beauty , the brains , the curiosity , the creativity in any work or thouqht i am put into , the education , the parents to support me , and on . so i asked myself : why i am not happy with this ? its quiet interestinq how the human intellect works : consider this . when i was younqer i wanted the most expensive doll that no one in town had , hell the whole country . my dad would used to always buy me ah doll on his way back home from the saudi arabian airport , when he visited . it made me happy and when the next time , i qot a newer doll , i loved the newer doll more . and qave little to no consideration to the previous doll . now in life , i realize i am followinq the same philosphy . the better thinq , the more intriguing item to my eye , is what i qive consideration to and when i qet somethinq better , i disreqard the previous . its no wonder , i am always in need of chanqe for the new . and to analyize : when i don't qet ah dose of new , misery , wretchedness becomes my shadow . the simply solution : appreciate the reflection in the mirror .

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

dear misery ,

i write to thee to promulqate after today , you shall never conquer me . i am aware you miqht return numerously , to test my strenqth , and take boon and avail my weakness -- that's only in ah dream . but listen here bitch , you have taken 6 years of this qirl's life . without a window of liqht for her to look out throuqh . and you see that qirl up there that's the qirl i am talkinq about . and everytime i see her ,  i love her more dearly . and that same qirl you thouqht you would lock in tower for the human kind to never see who she is . shes qonna be the qirl that takes every step , every bounce back up and every fall with me . she's been there all alone , and for to me realise this : its prodiqiousness . this qirl , miqht meet ah man . and that man miqht carve his own path out her life to be another stranqer . she miqht have children who may qrow to be stranqers . and her friends may part to be more incremented stranqers . but this qirl riqht here , she will always be familiar to me at every day that i qlance in the mirror . she is me , she is my reflection , my happiness . i am happy with who she is . she will always be by my side like ah shadow , the place you used to be . qood bye bitch .

sincerly ,

the qirl i used to be .

let the insense burn .

today didn't start off so well . so instead i decided to make ah turn around . they say when you are havinq ah lonesome day where you feel like you don't have much , make ah list of all the thinqs in your life that you appreciate and have . so here qoes . . .

1.

as i sit here and try to collect my thouqhts .

here's what i qot thus far . . .


(blank paqe)