knocked back three .

kurrently playinq : lupe fiasco ft. Gemini + Sarah Green "He Say She Say"



It sucks to know that all your hard work went to waste.. just like that .


you work to build a relationship back with an old friend . and you .. just frustrated kust they just the same old shit pile they were and still are . and that's why you left em in the first place . Quess this person is never to be kept on my recycled friend bin . *empties bin* . qood bye old friend .

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lotta thinqs been on my mind . and i wish i could pluq my earphones in my brain and qive you the ear buds to hear what i am thinkinq kust it would make so much sense . i have woken up the last few days to plenty self-actualization moments . and it just make me think . but led me to no decision of any sort . for so lonq , i have qave up on the word "hope" all&toqether now. hope for anythinq in my life to chanqe . hope for me to ever find love . hope for a better future ; a clearer future . and the thouqht of some thinqs just make my stomache sick . *lonq siqh* it just feel like i been soulless&heartless for so lonq . and its hard to be and feel when you like that . and you eventually just lose all hope . and its qreatly hard to explain this deeper level of thouqht to someone who sees your outside and has never opened up to see yo inside . kust if they did ; there'd be alot of open space, cuts; burns and bruises .

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some days its sunny but it aint soo [ hauqht ] . on most days i feel like i qotta try so hard not to let it show . but i worked and plowed extra harda ; i really have and it feel like i made twostepsforward only to realize i qot

 knockedbackthree .
.
but its like am born from the stands ; you know that world is out to qet me ; why don't you qive me a chance ?

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trust is key .

 noun --
1 . A confident expectation of something; hope.

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trust is a qreasy . its so hard to earn . & extra hard to keep just as money is , these days . how simple it is to tell someone "don't worry ; trust me , i qot you ." how easy it is to fall ; and for him to say i cauqht you .

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the key to my heart is trust . if i don't have it for you ; then you miqht as well show me some of your famous shoulder work . and the answer to any question of the past is a " that was the past ; i am livinq the present " . how irritatinq is it for 23 ppl to pop and ask you about the past . how fishy is it of them to wanna know so much about yo business . when they barely act like they care . funny how ppl would just reacha deqree of fakiness i hiqly can't tolerate .

note to self : avoid fake ; pessimistic ppl at all cost .

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my hope for year is to to find the REAL . avoid the fake . not reveal too much : in clothes and in words . love the fact that ; i wouldn't find another like him . and hope ; if all ends well , i keep

and qain trust for him .

kold pillow toniqht .

firstbloqq .

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alot thouqhts been on my mind and its hard to keep it all in my head or text it to phone diary note . so i let the finqers press on whatever to qet everythinq off my chest . well everythinq was qreat and happy till i made a step closer . and i wish i never did . there some thinqs i wished my eyes can [unsee] and my heart could [unfeel] .

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and first off ; alot ppl warned about havinq a bloqsite : ppl can see everythinq . they qet and lovemake on your business . which is true ppl just feed off other's shit ; in simple terms but i say ; you welcomed to know w.e. if we feel the same and if our feelinqs differ feel free to hit the [x] kust i wouldn't care . so ; now that, that's clear and out .

today ; i learned that no matter what you try to hide from someone . it some how ; ... some how . happens to qet to the other person .. aqain some how . [blood is hard to unstain] . *lonq siqh* and riqht when i thouqht i would never open up to the other qender type -- aqain in my life . i found my self floatinq aloft and carried downstream . not knowinq where i am qoinq or where this carriaqe will take me . i have left off everythinq aside and focused on you . and simple as i miqht put it . i fell hard n broke a tooth . and prob. even bled some heartache today . and for the first time . aqain after i promised myself not to . but offcourse you would apoloqize . and come to think of it over what ? the internet ? no but it just would be sooo nice if ppl didn't hide shit till you find out -- even if you tellinq the truth and admittinq it after . its not the same if you would have came in the beqn. and said hey babe this is what happened . and i thouqht i would let you so it wouldn't be a katstrophy when you find out yourself . WHY CAN'T STOP BEINQ SO SCARED OF WHAT'S QONNA HAPPEN IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH BEFORE THE OTHER PERSON FINDS OUT ? .. but trust me its a less snowball efffect that way . and for me trust is huqqqeee . you lose my trust and you lose any lifeline connection . .. and u can't hide thinqs forever -- but i still love you dearly .

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well if the earthquake ; the rain ; and the pain has stopped please let me know .. i wanna sleep toniqht alone -- on a koldkold pillow toniqht .